Seasons

My head is a swirling mess of thoughts. It has been for the past 4 months. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore. I feel broken and achy, I don’t know where I stand with God right now, To be honest I haven’t felt his presence in my heart for a couple months now. I miss how simple things used to be, even with all the sickness it was predictable; safe even. I feel like I’m failing at life. I cut back on school because I just wasn’t motivated to do it and knew that it would end up hurting me in the long run. I haven’t been to church for no other reason than I can’t sleep at night because of racing thoughts and the pressing fear that something bad could happen so when the sun rises I finally fall into a fitful sleep. I feel like this might be a season in my life I need to grow through, but it sucks! I feel so lonely. I know that God is supposed to be the one to fill the void… I just don’t know how. I feel like I’m failing at my job and in return feel like I’m failing two of the most precious little people in the world to me, as well as their parents. I kind of feel useless and like the world might be better off without me. I know, that’s the depression talking but I’m just being honest here. Fall is usually such a refreshing time for me, but without the sun to beat back the shadows they start to take over. I miss being active and doing whatever I want to do without consequence. This blog has no other purpose than to type out what’s in my head. I have no encouragement or hope to add tonight…

6’2 is my favorite height.

If-You-Can-Be-Anything-Be-Kind-Coloring-Page     We live in a world where society and media portray one body type and one extravagant love story as the gospel. We play with Barbies that are tall, thin, and perfectly proportioned. We watch Disney movies where a pretty princess gets rescued by the handsome, chiseled prince, so naturally most of our impressionable minds carry this mindset throughout our whole lives, I certainly have. Growing up I was always the bigger girl. Genetically and biologically, it was predestined. I had family that I spent those formative years with that was obsessed with their bodies and the newest diet fad, at school I was bullied for being the tall fat kid. However, with my parents I was told I was beautiful and perfect and I could do anything I set my mind to. Unfortunately, the former situations won out. The year before my dad died I spent so much time trying to lose weight, trying various diets and pills that I spent my nights crying myself to sleep because I wasn’t getting skinny and y’all, I finally had a come to Jesus meeting where I got so damn sick and tired being at war with myself and my body. I found the Body Positive community on Tumblr and my life changed. Three years later, I’d say 70% of my days I look in the mirror and love what I see. I am so much more than the weight. I like the person I’m becoming because I fought to become her, but sometimes I get caught up with appearances and outside views. I’m human and I still live in a world where these things are praised and worshiped daily. The last year or so I’ve been obsessed with finding Mr. Right and what I want him to look like or traits I want him to have. I even went as far to join a dating sites, since no one I knew in everyday life was interested. One of these sites bases matches off your first impression of the other person looks and I find myself judging a guy over his hair color, of his jaw line, if he looks good with a beard, if he’s average size. My point isn’t that these sites are bad but that they buy into what society is selling. You can’t tell if he loves God more than himself, loves his momma, or respects his daddy, or is kind to people, or if he gets along with his siblings, or if his eyes light up when he sees a dog, or if he gets invested into the books he reads, or enjoys taking in the beauty of a sunset, or how he treats a waiter or store clerk, or how he will treat you, if he’s kind, sincere, passionate, imaginative and the myriad of other important traits. I’m not down playing the importance of physical attraction but merely saying that those traits and the ones you value are truly what make a person attractive. I recently saw two videos that led to this post, one being on the body image front from my friend Whitney Thore, who has changed my life immensely in the year that I’ve known her. In this video, Whit talks about loving yourself and that projecting and attracting the right guy and this music video by Marie Miller, which is the song of my heart and the whole meaning behind this post. I have these things I’m physically attracted to but yet say “God, you can send me the complete opposite of that ” or “Lord, I’m going to be patient, but could you send him before I turn 25?” I guess ultimately I’m not trusting Him to send me my gentle giant. I think it’s time to stop waiting for Mr. right and to say “I really don’t care what he looks like.”

I’ll leave you with this secret I’ve learned on my journey, I have never met an unattractive person who was kind.