Grace wins

This past year has been one of growing pains. From moving from my childhood home, to letting people in, learning to dance with grief in it’s second year, new friends, loosing old ones, new experiences, life changing news, my first paying job, seeing little ones find their way, said job ending, loving with my whole heart despite the consequences, and everything in between. I have never been on a more emotional roller coaster in my entire life. It’s been incredibly hard and emotionally draining. The past few months after getting the initial diagnosis has been excruciating. Not only dealing with that but everything has seemed to fall down on our heads after receiving such news. I recently got back from a 11 hour emergency room visit that resulted in no new answers. I was in pain and crying to my mom in the car because I have no way to pay for this visit on my own. Since having my own job and means of helping pay for myself, it’s very hard for me to let go and ask my mom for help. I feel like a burden and I know how much she has on her. I confessed that my faith has been non-existent and my relationship with God has suffered greatly. I feel like I’m being punished for something and I said that I feel like he doesn’t hear my prayers. She reminded me that sometimes it take faith as small as a mustard seed to hold on to. Here is a photo for context…

MustardSeed_(1)

That’s about as small as my faith has been lately. With that sentiment, I went in to be checked out. I had some of the best nurses and doctors see me that night. As the sun rose and I was discharged the fear came creeping back in of how would I pay for this? God provided the funds for the initial fee and provided a way that could pay for the rest of the visit. I feel like that was small token of God saying, “Here I’m providing for you and extending you grace.” I admit that it might not look like how I think it should and I’m having to find humility in this circumstance, but isn’t that how God works? We have our ideas and way of how things should be but God steps in and say let me show you a better way, just have some faith. I hesitate even writing about my life because so many of us are struggling with our own things. One is not any less harder to deal with than the other. I think it’s normal in our own times of hardship and grief that we think ours is the most horrible of all the situations, but truthfully we’re not trying to win any great prize with our struggles. In these time of darkness we must find some faith in God and know that despite our sadness, fear, or doubt he has grace for us. He’s not withholding it. It might not look like what we are expecting it to or even when we expect it to happen, but God’s “thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, and [his] ways are far beyond anything you could imagine…”(Isaiah 55:8) and His ways are infinitely better than anything we could do on our own. In the end, His Grace wins.