Some advice from the sick person.

I’ve noticed that a Cancer diagnosis or really an chronic illness is a death sentence to many relationships and friendships. You can almost be assured that people who you thought would be there, aren’t and people you never expected, will. I’m feeling some type of way about this right now. I’ve never been miss popularity, my personality is between you either like me or you don’t. I’m always kinder than necessary but don’t mistake that for weakness, I can be venomous when called for. However, I surround myself with the best people I know. Real recognizes real, I’m a firm believer in that. My point with this is to give you some advice from the sick persons perspective. When my dad died I thought my world stopped, but then when I was told “it is cancer” I stopped breathing, the world stopped moving and the realization that I could die hit me harder than a train collision. If I thought losing my dad made me take stock, well I don’t even know what this is. Every day I’m alive is a blessing, every moment I get to spend with those I love are moments to live for. If you know me, you know I’m an introvert. I don’t have a ton to say but you can be assured I’m always thinking but what this means for me is that I’d rather send you a text than talk to you in person. This diagnosis has made me realize how much time I don’t spend with people I love and care for…

So this is my advice to you, as well as myself; don’t worry about saying the right thing, just. Be. There. Make your love and presence known. We know you’re sorry and hate this for us. We hate it too, trust me. But don’t let that keep you from us. Spend time together even when you think you don’t have time, you do. Make time for those you truly care about. You aren’t promised tomorrow. Call, text, email, send a carrier pigeon. But be present in this life. Spend every moment you can with those you love. Some more truth from the sick persons perspective; we get lonely. We already have something that sets us apart, we generally can’t do some of the things healthy folks can or maybe we’re in pain and just can’t get out of the house. Either way, we feel left out and so far removed from those who are closest to us. Don’t let that keep you from making plans with us. Trust me when I say we know our limits and we’ll let you know them. My point is, you’re scared for us but we’re scared too. Don’t let that keep you from us. We aren’t promised tomorrow.

A diagnosis.

My days seem to cloud together lately. If I’m not at a doctors appointment, then I’m at home thinking about a million different things at once. I don’t have a lot to say right now. My emotions are on hyper-drive, I go from laughing to crying. Some days I’m so bored and want to get out of the house, others I don’t even want to shower. Most of you want to know what’s going on, I saw the oncologist on Monday and my cancer is stage 1. However, we don’t know how far it’s moved into the myometrium. If it’s farther in than 50%, surgery is the only option according to Dr. Kelly. To be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about him yet. He listened to everything I had to say but I feel like he’s not giving the weight loss and hormone therapy a 100% and those of you that know me well, know that I go full force until I know I’ve exhausted that option. I know it’s risky and it’s not foolproof, but I’m young, I want more than anything to be a mom. He started me on a high dose of progestin and then will reevaluate at the appointment in a week. I’m worried about mom, how’s she’s dealing with everything and work at the same time. Money has always been sparse, but if she doesn’t work she doesn’t get paid and most doctors appointments are an all day affair. I’m not working right now, so I haven’t been able to contribute. I’m considering online classes for the fall, as I had planned on going back to finish up my associates. I’m struggling with all this and my faith. Everything is in a precarious place right now, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

The blog I wish I never had to write.

I’ve racked my brain trying to find the words to write but I keep erasing them because they seem false. If only that was the case. I have Uterine Cancer. I appreciate everyone asking how I am but I’m not ok. I’m in quite a bit of pain from the surgery. My world has been turned upside down. I’m angry, so angry. What did I do to deserve this much grief in my lifetime? Did I bring this all in myself? It’s not fair… I don’t have any answers for you. We don’t know the stage or grade yet. I don’t know what they’ll want to do moving forward. I see the gynecologic oncologist on Wednesday, the 20th. I appreciate the concern and ask for prayer, for healing, for faith, for strength, for answers.