Battle Worn.

I’ve been in my little cocoon for some time now. I think it was something I needed and still need. It’s been one hell of a year. People ask if I’m ok and Honestly I’m not, nor will I be for some time to come. Life has really taken a toll on those that I hold most dear and I have a hard time talking about myself in light of that. A dear friend of mine recently lost their precious first born and in light of my sorrows that has taken over every piece of my heart. Please keep them in your thoughts as they grieve and miss their little man who’s no longer on earth. I have a hard time remembering that everyone is suffering their own troubled roads and painful heaps of sorrow. It’s no contest, and it’s one I wish no one had to participate in.

I’m struggling with life, grief, God, and Faith lately. I’ve lost my way and my logical brain doesn’t get the unyielding, blind surrender of faith. But that’s the thing about Faith and God is that you have to trust what you don’t see. I get angry so often because people offer their condolences and well wishes and it seems just so… fake or just not sincere. I mean, I sure some mean it but when you’re in a place of grief and sorrow, some words hurt just to be said. I struggle with having faith that life gets better past this place of hurt. Why did it need to happen in the first place? God is always said to be our Heavenly Father and is sovereign. Having ultimate power and if he can create the universe surly he can save us from grief and hurt. I don’t say this to say that I don’t believe in God but more to say that I’m so deeply hurt by my circumstances, it’s hard to trust. It’s hard to let go of control and just let life happen. I’ve spent my whole life grasping for some kind of control over my circumstances and failing miserably. Ultimately, the only control I had was how I reacted to what was happening. How do you trust when hope feels like it’s buried?