Jesus and my squad.

I’ve never had a lot of friends. Like deep down true friends. Even in school, I can still tell you to this day my circle in each grade level. Some have stayed into adulthood and I’ve made some in new ones as I’ve grown but ultimately I can count on one hand, those who I trust, I’ve literally know them all my life. I’m the type of person that once you come into my life, I’ll always care for you and wish you the best even if things didn’t end well between us. Some of those hurts I still carry with me. 

I see so many people spending time with with their circle and I feel left out. I don’t really have a circle these days. Cancer and life and wounds pulled me, and them away in this season of my life. I reach out and want to make plans but they always fall through for one reason or another. Sometimes it my own doing, sometimes it’s not. Depression and Anxiety make being a friend hard, not insofar as that I don’t care but that I distance myself from that which can hurt me. And being open and vulnerable with your heart can bring the most pain.

I long for those deep friendships. The ones that you spend midnights talking and laughing. Those that span time and distance. With dinner dates and talking about the important stuff or nothing really at all. This season of my life hasn’t been kind to me where relationships are concerned. Romantic or Platonic. I’ve had my heart broken for the first time by a guy. I’ve lost a friend that I thought was my rock. 

But I’ve gained from those experiences. No matter how hard I try or how much I want it, you can’t force someone to want to be in your life. It’s just not possible.

I’d like to think I’m a good friend. I have a really big heart and a lot of love to give. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t leave you when you’re in the trenches of that gritty, raw time of your life. What’s the golden rule? “Treat others as you want to be treated.” Yeah, I think I try to live by that. 

I don’t know what God is trying to teach me from this season. Maybe I’m being planted to grow better fruit. Maybe I’m meant to appreciate my own company. Whatever it is, it’s hard and some days it really get to me. Maybe I’m meant to fall more into Jesus. Honestly, I’ve lost my way there. It’s hard to see Him when you feel as though everyone has left you. And when you feel like your world has been rocked and tilted on it’s axis and you’re just trying your best to keep two feet on the ground. 

A lot of times I think “what have I done wrong?” And honestly I don’t know. Maybe I have done something or maybe it’s my personality or maybe I’ve not done anything at all. 

I think the only I can do is keep putting one foot in for of the other and keep hoping that somewhere in the barrenness, I find Jesus and my squad.