I have this violent tossing turning feeling in my soul lately. It reminds me of the ocean how the tides push and pull. I dream of being free. Of not having all these lose ends that keep me from moving forward. Fear. Anger. Love. Familiar. Safe. Secure…

Cancer is like looking in a full length mirror. You become painfully self-aware of everything in your life. The people who really care. Those that are ride or die. Those that are merely acquaintances. What matters. What doesn’t. What you can control. What you can’t. What you really care about and what merely takes up space in the bullshit folder of your subconscious. I haven’t really wrote in months. I felt broken, still do most days. But as cliche as it sounds “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I found out in November that all my scans came back clear, No Evidence of Disease. Like, what does that mean? I ask myself, literally and metaphorically. I have nothing physically holding me here for the first time in 20 years…

That was until today. I got the news that the cancer has returned. It’s been all of 5 months cancer free. I’m scared. I don’t want to die. I want to be free. to spread my wings, the learn, and feel, and fall.

There’s a NF song that says,

“I’ve always tried to control things
In the end that’s what controls me
Maybe that’s why I’m controllin’
I wish somebody woulda told me

If you want love, you gon’ have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon’ have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gon’ have to give some away
If you want love, if you want love…”

NF: If You Want Love

My soul feels restless here. I have so much still holding me here that I have absolutely no control over. I’ve had time to be introspective and with the help of a therapist, I come to realize I crave control and stability.

I like to control my environment because I’ve never been able to. I don’t trust because I’ve been hurt so deeply. It’s hard for me to love people because it requires trust and vulnerability. And you can’t control what another person does with that. I’ve been thinking a lot about these hang-ups that I have. I’m always worried with another person is thinking. If they like me. How they see me. If they accept me. And I’m not gonna lie and say that when I’m not accepted or my body is put down or when I’m not apart of the “group,” It hurts like a motherfucker. I posted an image on Instagram and no one liked it and it got to me. I’m always seeking validation from people I called friends or family members or partners because I worry about what they would think. I read a book, Misadventures of a Curvy Girl (Content Warning) that really lead to this introspection. I still struggle with this. Truly loving me whether I’m working out or if I had a binge episode the day before. Now with this news,I’m struggling with this to be free. To not blame my body or my weight here.

I can’t control the cancer. It’s an entity all of it’s own. But I can control the thought that I did something wrong here. I started writing this post back in March. A lot has happened since then. I’ve slipped back into old habits, I’ve met new friends in unexpected places, I talk to God and some days I feel far away. I’ve applied to one of my dreams school and was excepted. I’ve stepped out with a brave face and found golden moments and some really crappy ones. I’ve seen goodness transcend barriers.

I won’t lie and say everything is ok, because it’s not. It’s really not. But what I can say is,I’m still searching to be free.