Happy Birthday.

Image I’ve been in a melancholy state since your death but sometime it’s stronger than others. This past couple of days has been those stronger times. I went to get that old, iron bed out from the shed because I’ve been wanting to use it and I found myself asking about the measurements of it and I said to myself “oh, i’ll ask dad.” and I felt everything stand still and crash with the realization that you’re not here for me to ask. I started to get it out and had to move stuff around for me to get it because of all your “treasures” that were in front of it and I found myself remembering the time you brought it home, I saw it in the old house on the property and you asked around about it, this was all before the strife and I remember you bringing it home and you said “here it is.” I didn’t appreciate it then. You’re missing a huge new adventure in my life and I find myself wanting to come home and tell you about everything and cry and tell you how afraid I feel and all my worries so I can here your words of advice and I come home or start to call home and then realize your not there, so I tuck it away and try to force the tears away because I’ve cried more this past year than I probably have in my life. Today is your birthday. You loved your birthday. There isn’t a time when I think back that you weren’t giddy about this day. You always asked for the same birthday dinner of meatloaf and homemade mac and cheese. I’d always get you some cheesy card and you’d read it and thank me for and give me one of your big hugs until I became too cool to be hugged and now I miss those hugs more than I thought ever possible. I miss you dad, more than I ever knew I could.

Happy Birthday,dad.




I can’t help but feeling a bit of sadness experiencing the first day of a new year without my dad. 2013 was the hardest year I’ve experienced thus far in my 21 years of life. It was a year of learning, growing, being stretched farther than I ever have been, experiencing pain and grief like I’ve never known before, seeing God’s hand at work, maturing, and closing chapters in my life. 2013 from the start has been a whirlwind, starting off to be seemingly normal, to life being picked up and turned upside-down on February 5th. I’ll never forget that night, those memories are forever ingrained in my head. I’ll never forget the feeling of receiving a phone call like so many others in my life thinking to myself, oh ok, here we go again. Treating it as another that time my dad would need to go to the hospital, I was so calm. He spoke to me before he got into the ambulance, joking and being his normal self, saying to me as I come up to him and my mom with my key in hand, “Hey jingly!” giving me his famous everything is alright grin. Getting to the hospital, thinking we know the procedure and we’re gonna go back and see him in a few minutes and a few minutes turn into longer minutes that turn into panic and confusion because we’re being asked to wait in a special room to a nurse coming out and telling us they’ve lost him and trying to resuscitate him, me falling on my knees crying out to God please don’t take him from me yet, I’m so sorry, I need to see him and talk to him, God please don’t take him from me yet. Bargaining and begging with my whole being for God to give me another chance with him. Doctors and nurses finally come in saying that they have in back but he is in a coma like state. Going back to triage room 5 seeing my dad, my superman laying there with wires and tubes keeping him alive, I got to his bedside telling him everything I should have told him 4 years ago, crying, hoping he heard me. Those following days being the longest, most mind bending, faith challenging days. I remember doctor after doctor saying “well, he’s stable and his scans are normal but we don’t know the outcome so we’re sending in palliative care to discuss your options.” To me standing up to say boldly “I beg your pardon, doctor. But you’re not God and My God is the God of miracles. Miracles that I’ve seen performed first hand, so for now we’re going to let him continue to heal and let God have control.”. With each day bringing minuscule progress to eyes opening and changing hospitals to the day of mom and dad’s anniversary and dad saying “I love you” to my mom in a croaky, gravelly voice. To spending long days and longer night weighing options of his long-term care, To getting a phone call June 6th saying that my dad is gone. I spent the following months going through the motions getting by day by day to week by week to waking up one morning feeling like Everything will be ok, I’ll make it maybe not today, tomorrow or next week but one day it’ll be ok. To saying I’m going to finish school for my dad because he wanted that for me and he believed that I could and finding out that I indeed did pass and would be closing that chapter of my life. Walking across the stage and feeling my dad’s presence around me in that room. Spending holidays being the first without him. That brings us to now, a new year. A blank book. One where I’ll start college and beyond that, I don’t know. I’m trusting God with be there and trusting that He has me and having my guardian angel right there along for the ride. Here’s to 2014. A year of more growing, learning more about myself, being brave, being intentional, becoming more independent, loving myself, loving others, always giving 100%, of standing my ground, writing, being creative, pushing myself, steeping outside of my comfort zone. Thank you Lord for another year, another chance at life. I hope you’ll come along for the journey, I’m sure it’ll never be boring.

Blue Christmas.

 006-2It’s Christmas Eve. If it weren’t posted everywhere for me to see, I’d have a hard time believing it. Normally this day holds so much excitement and joy for me, but this year it lacks that. This year is different. This is my first Christmas without my dad. On Christmas Eve we would always be rushing about. You could feel excitement thick in the air. We were always out shopping for last-minute somethings. I get it honest, we are a bunch of procrastinators. Christmas was always my dad’s favorite time of year, next to his birthday. I’ll never forget how excited he got about either of those events. I get my childlike spirit from him, my birthday is my favorite too. I watched a video of my first Christmas the other day, it was emotional to say the least. I sat there and watched love and adoration pour out of my dad as he watched me open up my gifts. He was so happy just to be there to experience this milestone in my life. The video played some more and showed him opening up something, a jacket, I think. He was so genuinely pleased and thankful for that gift. He was always like that. I remember most years I’d have very little to spend on my parents and would buy him a dollar store tool. You would have thought I had given him the most precious jewel, to him it was precious. I remember him watching as I would open my gift on Christmas mornings. He would be so focused on watching me and he never failed to be so enthusiastic about it. His go to saying was “oh boy, looky there”. Amother thing I remember is how he loved Christmas lights. I’ll never forget how he would always comment on our Christmas tree all lit up, “man, that is just so beautiful”. I think I miss his spirit most. I compare it to the beauty of Christmas lights, always twinkling, always bringing joy to someone else. Going through life you never realize what’s in front of you and I am no exception to that, I missed having the most amazing human being in my life for 21 years. There is so much to learn from him. He always knew what was most important, God and his family. He was thankful for what he had and didn’t sweat the rest. He knew that God had him. He knew the true meaning of Christmas. He knew that Jesus is the reason for the season and not gifts. I hope I don’t ever stop learning from him. My dad was the most amazing human I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I hope that by reading this you remember what’s most important about this season. I hope you, not only show, but tell the people you hold most dear what they really mean to you, not just this time of year, but all the time. You never know what day might be your last.

Dad, I hope your first Christmas in heaven is better than anyone you ever had here on earth. I miss you. I love you. Merry Christmas, Dad.

My wish for you is a Christmas full of Christ’s love. For Jesus is the real reason for the season. Go tell someone you love, what they mean to you.
Merry Christmas from me to you.

For you, Dad.

 ImageToday is a day that has been long awaited, today I graduate with my GED. Without going into too many details, this has been 6 long years in the making. Yet today lacks the overwhelming joy that it should have. My biggest fan won’t be there. My dad has been my champion through this whole process, when I would be having a bad day and didn’t want to go to class, he would always encourage me with “You can do this. Go today and you’ll be that much closer to being done.” He was always so proud of any little accomplishment, he would always make a big deal out of it and find a way to celebrate it. He was my biggest fan. He never missed a chance to tell me how proud he was that I wasn’t letting what life threw at me stop me from finishing school. When I started high school he would pick me up in the afternoon and more often than not, when we would pass the football field he would say “I’m so looking forward to sitting in those stands and embarrassing you”, I would laugh and say ok. I never realized how much I was looking forward to that moment also. Even though, life decided what I had planned wasn’t what was going to happen and it has taken, sometime what feels like moving heaven and earth to get here,  I can now close this chapter in my life. I’m grateful for my dads encouraging spirit and his never wavering belief in me, without his and my moms perseverance I wouldn’t be here today. Thank you dad for being on my side, for fighting for me, and for encouraging me along the way.  This is for you, dad. wish you were here.

Here’s the little bit of that.


From time to time I might tell you about a book I’m loving or something along those lines, I’m not always deep or serious, and I LOVE to read.

So here’s that part.

Let me give you a little back story; after I read Fifty Shades of Grey(Yes, I’ve read them and yes, I loved them. Judge me. I don’t care and P.S. I’m STUPID EXCITED about the movie), about two years ago, I read a book that I fell in love with; Gabriel’s Inferno by Sylvain Reynard. Originally it was only a two book series with Gabriel’s Inferno and Gabriel’s Rapture, but then it was requested that they write a third and final book, so the author obliged. December 3rd came Gabriel’s Redemption. Here’s the current part. I knew the author used a pseudonym, but didn’t think much about it until the conclusion, well let me tell you, am I blown away! The author is a male and chooses to keep his identity a secret so he can use his fame to bring his favorite charities to light. Now, not only do I love the story line of these books, but I think I may love the author as well. I loved the conclusion and may have cried(did cry) at the ending. If it is possible, I felt a little smarter after reading these books. The author is quit intelligent. If you love romance and were fond of FSoG, with these books being no where nears as gritty, I highly suggest you give them a read.



Thanksgiving has come and gone, It was a lot more difficult than I anticipated. Thursday was just a blur of emotions, Mom and I decided to continue this year with getting a ham from a local fire department that has been a tradition as long as I can remember. We would get up early, drive out there, pick up our box, and have a picknic at a close by gas station. I can remember being little and being a brat about going because it was so early and cold. But I look back now and those are some of my favorite memories, just getting in the car in my jammies and wrapped it a handmade quilt then hearing my dads booming voice talk about whatever was on his mind, always laughing and joking about something, he was always such a morning person.

 Thursday we had a small lunch, well small for this crowd, and the whole time I just could let go that he wasn’t there talking and joking or cuddling with my littlest cousin. I finally snapped about something and My mom said in her sarcastic, syrupy sweet voice that “I need to change my attitude” and before my brain caught up to my mouth I said, “Well when you can have my dad here, i’ll change my attitude.”  Of course that started a whole slew of I know you miss him and he is in a far better place talks. So naturally I closed myself off and went to my room. Friday was a reprieve of having to show emotion and thankfulness but Saturday was on it’s trail with not one, but two dinners. The first was ok to get through until my cousin I’m closest to in age had to leave to go back to college. It’s always bittersweet to see him leave because I only get to see him a couple times a year. After we said our goodbyes and be carefuls, I was just ready to go home. Before I knew it and before I had time to have a mental reprieve it was time to go to Thanksgiving dinner number 3. This one was by far the most difficult because it was with my dad’s side of the family, well the ones we talk to. That’s another story for another day that I’m sure you’ll hear about sometime. Anyway. we come in and say hello to everyone and my uncle, my dads middle brother and best friend comes up and does something that so resembled something that my dad would do and it took everything I had in me not to break down, When you’re with that big of a crowd you don’t have time to dwell on anything but the baby you’re holding, or the niece that wants your attention, or the cousin that wants a picture. But still I was ready to go, because it wasn’t the same. he was suppose to be here, he was suppose to get better and pull through, like always. He was the glue that held everything together and now he’s not here and everything has changed.

I came home and started to go to sleep and tears just started to roll out. I could hear his laugh, or something he would joke about. I sent up a silent prayer that he was happy and better in heaven and told him I miss him.

I usually put up some kind of post saying how thankful I am, but this year I didn’t. In honour of my dad who was always thankful and grateful for God’s bountiful blessings in his life, I write this now.

I’m thankful for my parents who raised me to be the best person I could be, for my mom who has been there since the beginning, for my dad even though you are no longer here with me, you’re still teaching me and guiding me like always, for my family no matter how much you drive me crazy I wouldn’t be me without you, for my best friend who has been there longer than anyone else ever has, for my nieces who teach me child like faith and unconditional love, for my online community who is helping me love myself, for my YA bible study group who is always challenging me and helping me in my walk, for the memories that my dad has left me with that honestly if I didn’t have them I don’t know how i’d make it, for that special guy who is out there, somewhere, for my God who gives me grace and strength to get through this crazy, beautiful life.

Let him love you.

Image    I haven’t written in a long time. I often find that I have too many thoughts to try to pin them down to make any kind of sense. I think the last time I wrote I said February 5th was a day that changed my life forever; I was wrong. June 6th is the day that will forever stay with me and be known as the day that my world stopped turning; that morning at 5:20 am, my Dad died. My real life superman, the man that was the strongest man I have ever known, the man that taught me so much about life and about what really matters, left this world. My dad is the strongest person I have ever known. He has so much hardship in his life and yet he never complained or questioned God. He is the best man I have ever known. He would do anything for you, anything. He taught me so much about what really matters in this life we have. He taught me that God and family were the most important things you can ever have. He had so many trials here, he took them all in stride. He never doubted God or questioned why this was a part of His plan for his life. He always told me that everything happens for a reason, and in this time I don’t understand this reason. I miss him. I took him for granted in so many ways, I never told him how much I admired him, I never told him often enough that I loved him. He was always so content with life. He loved what he did every day, he loved my mom with everything he had, and I was his baby girl, his pride and joy. I always knew no matter the circumstances that he loved me and was proud of me. He never missed a chance to tell me. He and my mom had the type of love that most people can only dream of. I hope that one day I have that type of love, the kind that withstands the trials and tribulations of this world. He taught me how a man should treat a woman and what a real man should be. I hope that when the time is right he will have had a hand in picking out that kind of man for me. I never realized how much I wanted him around for the things in my life. How I wanted him to see me get my GED and be the first one to cheer me on and embarrass me and yell “That’s my girl!”. To meet my first boyfriend and scare the living daylights out of him. To be there for the right guy to ask for my hand in marriage. To be there to give me away at my wedding. To be there when I have my first child and to tell me “You did good baby girl.” They say “you never know what you have till it’s gone” I now know the meaning of that. If you could learn anything out of my heartache I would hope It would be to cherish your dad and mom, especially if you’re a girl, cherish your dad. Tell him every chance you get that you love him and that you’re proud to be called his daughter. Let him embarrass you, let him scare your boyfriends, let him teach you how you are supposed to be treated. Mostly, just let him love you.