The blog I wish I never had to write.

I’ve racked my brain trying to find the words to write but I keep erasing them because they seem false. If only that was the case. I have Uterine Cancer. I appreciate everyone asking how I am but I’m not ok. I’m in quite a bit of pain from the surgery. My world has been turned upside down. I’m angry, so angry. What did I do to deserve this much grief in my lifetime? Did I bring this all in myself? It’s not fair… I don’t have any answers for you. We don’t know the stage or grade yet. I don’t know what they’ll want to do moving forward. I see the gynecologic oncologist on Wednesday, the 20th. I appreciate the concern and ask for prayer, for healing, for faith, for strength, for answers.

Advertisements

A day forever ingrained.

“The world will turn and we’ll grow. We’ll learn how to be, to be incomplete…”

It’s been 3 years today since you left us. I think that day will forever be ingrained in my mind. I felt my heart break that morning. I miss you, dad. We miss you. The world isn’t the same without you, it feels as if it’s missing a vital part. I miss you all the time but the dance of grief is becoming a familiar companion. Some days I cry because I wish for one more of your hugs and other days I smile knowing you’re always walking with me. I’m a better person because I had you as an example of what a good person should be. There is not a day that goes by that there isn’t a memory or funny story of you come up. You are still such a integral part of our life. We’re learning how to live without you. Some days it’s harder, others it’s a bit easier. I can’t help but think you’re missing some of the most important parts of my life and I can’t help but think that is so unfair. I need your guidance, dad. Life is so hard and constantly changing. I think about all the trials and changes you endured. You had this outlook on life that I hope to have a 1/3 of. Despite dealing with my health, we’re in a good place now. Days are not always a struggle. Smiles and laughter come easier. We put one foot in front of the other and carry on, despite the days we don’t want to. I hope I make you proud. The world still spins madly on and we carry you in our hearts, while we learn that we’ll always be incomplete.

I love you, dad.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. -Matthew 5:4

 

 

 

These Gifts

IMG_0650

Yesterday was your 60th birthday. You loved your birthday, I think I get my child-like spirit from you. It’s something I cherish now that you’re gone. Birthdays are a gift to be treasured. Think about it, they celebrate another year of life, of breathing, of opportunities; yet when you’re celebrating a birthday of someone that has passed away it is a sour memory that they’re not here to have all those things. With your birthday it’s such a bittersweet thing because you found such great joy in yours. I miss you, dad. So much. I took for granted moments we had because I thought we’d have thousands more together. I treasure the ones that I do have and they’ve become priceless moments I will always hold dear. Truthfully, I wanted to write some poignant piece about celebrating birthdays but I just don’t have that in me today. I wish you were here, it’s not the same without you. I feel like you would have the right thing to say and know just what steps to take in these hard times. Yet, we’re left here trying to live without you, it’s like missing a vital organ. We flounder without it. Dad, I know without one iota of doubt where you are and I take heart in that but the earth weeps without your presence.

Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love you forever.

Years fly by, but the heart stays in the same place.

-Harlan Coben

Cracks.

Cement cracks

These cracks run all over.

You have to pick up the spilled pieces, place them back together and tape them up the best you can.

You go day by day and live with the cracks knowing they’re there and dealing with them the best you know how.

Some day’s the tape might break so you have to pick the pieces up and tape them back together again.

But life moves on.

You move on and you live and breathe and live your life to honor his legacy

One day you look around and you see the cracks and the tape and glue and you know that you’re gonna be ok and you can live with these cracks.

Reflection.

  grateful

Thanksgiving has come and gone, It was a lot more difficult than I anticipated. Thursday was just a blur of emotions, Mom and I decided to continue this year with getting a ham from a local fire department that has been a tradition as long as I can remember. We would get up early, drive out there, pick up our box, and have a picknic at a close by gas station. I can remember being little and being a brat about going because it was so early and cold. But I look back now and those are some of my favorite memories, just getting in the car in my jammies and wrapped it a handmade quilt then hearing my dads booming voice talk about whatever was on his mind, always laughing and joking about something, he was always such a morning person.

 Thursday we had a small lunch, well small for this crowd, and the whole time I just could let go that he wasn’t there talking and joking or cuddling with my littlest cousin. I finally snapped about something and My mom said in her sarcastic, syrupy sweet voice that “I need to change my attitude” and before my brain caught up to my mouth I said, “Well when you can have my dad here, i’ll change my attitude.”  Of course that started a whole slew of I know you miss him and he is in a far better place talks. So naturally I closed myself off and went to my room. Friday was a reprieve of having to show emotion and thankfulness but Saturday was on it’s trail with not one, but two dinners. The first was ok to get through until my cousin I’m closest to in age had to leave to go back to college. It’s always bittersweet to see him leave because I only get to see him a couple times a year. After we said our goodbyes and be carefuls, I was just ready to go home. Before I knew it and before I had time to have a mental reprieve it was time to go to Thanksgiving dinner number 3. This one was by far the most difficult because it was with my dad’s side of the family, well the ones we talk to. That’s another story for another day that I’m sure you’ll hear about sometime. Anyway. we come in and say hello to everyone and my uncle, my dads middle brother and best friend comes up and does something that so resembled something that my dad would do and it took everything I had in me not to break down, When you’re with that big of a crowd you don’t have time to dwell on anything but the baby you’re holding, or the niece that wants your attention, or the cousin that wants a picture. But still I was ready to go, because it wasn’t the same. he was suppose to be here, he was suppose to get better and pull through, like always. He was the glue that held everything together and now he’s not here and everything has changed.

I came home and started to go to sleep and tears just started to roll out. I could hear his laugh, or something he would joke about. I sent up a silent prayer that he was happy and better in heaven and told him I miss him.

I usually put up some kind of post saying how thankful I am, but this year I didn’t. In honour of my dad who was always thankful and grateful for God’s bountiful blessings in his life, I write this now.

I’m thankful for my parents who raised me to be the best person I could be, for my mom who has been there since the beginning, for my dad even though you are no longer here with me, you’re still teaching me and guiding me like always, for my family no matter how much you drive me crazy I wouldn’t be me without you, for my best friend who has been there longer than anyone else ever has, for my nieces who teach me child like faith and unconditional love, for my online community who is helping me love myself, for my YA bible study group who is always challenging me and helping me in my walk, for the memories that my dad has left me with that honestly if I didn’t have them I don’t know how i’d make it, for that special guy who is out there, somewhere, for my God who gives me grace and strength to get through this crazy, beautiful life.

Let him love you.

Image    I haven’t written in a long time. I often find that I have too many thoughts to try to pin them down to make any kind of sense. I think the last time I wrote I said February 5th was a day that changed my life forever; I was wrong. June 6th is the day that will forever stay with me and be known as the day that my world stopped turning; that morning at 5:20 am, my Dad died. My real life superman, the man that was the strongest man I have ever known, the man that taught me so much about life and about what really matters, left this world. My dad is the strongest person I have ever known. He has so much hardship in his life and yet he never complained or questioned God. He is the best man I have ever known. He would do anything for you, anything. He taught me so much about what really matters in this life we have. He taught me that God and family were the most important things you can ever have. He had so many trials here, he took them all in stride. He never doubted God or questioned why this was a part of His plan for his life. He always told me that everything happens for a reason, and in this time I don’t understand this reason. I miss him. I took him for granted in so many ways, I never told him how much I admired him, I never told him often enough that I loved him. He was always so content with life. He loved what he did every day, he loved my mom with everything he had, and I was his baby girl, his pride and joy. I always knew no matter the circumstances that he loved me and was proud of me. He never missed a chance to tell me. He and my mom had the type of love that most people can only dream of. I hope that one day I have that type of love, the kind that withstands the trials and tribulations of this world. He taught me how a man should treat a woman and what a real man should be. I hope that when the time is right he will have had a hand in picking out that kind of man for me. I never realized how much I wanted him around for the things in my life. How I wanted him to see me get my GED and be the first one to cheer me on and embarrass me and yell “That’s my girl!”. To meet my first boyfriend and scare the living daylights out of him. To be there for the right guy to ask for my hand in marriage. To be there to give me away at my wedding. To be there when I have my first child and to tell me “You did good baby girl.” They say “you never know what you have till it’s gone” I now know the meaning of that. If you could learn anything out of my heartache I would hope It would be to cherish your dad and mom, especially if you’re a girl, cherish your dad. Tell him every chance you get that you love him and that you’re proud to be called his daughter. Let him embarrass you, let him scare your boyfriends, let him teach you how you are supposed to be treated. Mostly, just let him love you.