Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

It seems like this year has just flown by, it’s kinda crazy. It’s taken me a while to write this blog. You see, I’m having a hard time being grateful lately. Life is completely crazy and it seems like if it’s not one thing it’s another. However, in the current state of things I thinks it’s completely appropriate that I make myself write my annual Thanksgiving post. As most of you know, this is my second Thanksgiving without my Dad, while my days seem not as bright without him here, God has given me things to ease that ache. This year we didn’t do our annual fire department trip, Mom and I stayed at home and watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade together and baked and cooked for the 1st feast of the holiday. It’s bittersweet, but I am so thankful for her. My mom is my best friend, biggest pain in my rear, therapist, sharer of this life, biggest fan, closes confidant, and general awesome person. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her and to be honest, I’d probably not be here at all. I’m thankful for my fur-babies, Buddy and Lexi. They offer the most unconditional love and support. Always there to lend a listening ear(oh come on, like you don’t talk to your pets!) and a shoulder to cry on. I’m thankful for friends who love me, flaws and all. The new ones I’ve met through school have been a true blessing and to the old ones, thanks for sticking by my crazy all these years. I’m thankful for my family, blood and by choice; I may be a mess sometimes but you’re always there, through thick and thin. I’m thankful for my human babies, who I get to love on and spoil then give them back to their very capable parents; you little people are very bright lights in my sometimes dark world. You constantly remind me on the child like wonder that I’m so in awe of. I’m thankful for new beginnings, no matter how they might have came about. I believe that God doesn’t open a door if He didn’t want you to go through it, for one reason or another it’s a blessing or a lesson. I’m thankful for my body that carries me through this life and allows me to be. I’m thankful for that ability to go to college and learn and just be a sponge. I’m thankful for the networks that allow me to express myself and connect with like-minded people. Most of all I’m thankful for the grace that God pours out everyday to save a weary sinner like me, I’m thankful for this one life He has given me to live.

Better late than never, right?!

Hope your Thanksgiving was full of family, food, and football!

Much love,

  Sam

Why?

I’m really struggling with this question lately. Why does God let us suffer with these hardships and trials and things in life? These things are ever present and manifest themselves in different ways, yet we all have them and we all think ours is worse or harder than someone else. I think I started questioning this after the loss of my dad and more recently with our living situation. I try to be thankful that no matter what else might be going on that I have a roof over my head but I’m only human. And maybe I am the only one that has these thoughts but I just kinda want some feedback. I feel like there is a constant struggle and that there is an ever present battle that is never being won in my favor… Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in God and I don’t question His existence. I just don’t understand why we struggle. I don’t expect things to be easy or handed to me but I feel like there has never been a time in my 22 years that anything has ever went smoothly. We take things for granted like your parents or food on your table or the roof over your head and you never really think about these things until you’re face to face with them.

Falling leaves.

 “Falling leaves.

Things change.

The air turns cooler.

The blooms of Spring turn to to the crisp-ness of Fall.

Things change.

The bright colors of Summer turn into their darker brothers and sisters.

It’s almost as it one season dies and lend it’s spirit to another.

Things change.

Time continues to move forward, as always. Never stopping for anyone.”

I’ve been thinking about change recently. 2013 was the biggest change I’ve ever had to endure and it seems that my life is ever evolving now. Never staying the same, always keeping me on my toes, yet always leaving an air of the same things. I’ve changed a lot over the past year, some ways for the better and some ways not so much. I’ve also been thinking about how God has been there in these things. No matter how good, bad, or horrible it has been. He’s been there and never let me fall. I’ve went through some dark times and I’m forever grateful for that minuscule glimpse of hope that He’s gave me to keep holding on to fight another day. And some days I ask why because it is so hard sometimes to just get out of bed and shower and carry on with my daily activities. This week has been one of those weeks; I’ve been sick with a sinus infection and dealing with that old health issue that no one knows why it’s happening, My car battery died, then my window motor broke, I find myself wanting so many things and being very ungrateful and un-content with what I have, I’ve missed my allotted days of school and am slightly behind with some of my classes, I’m dealing again with being content with my singleness and find myself asking “what’s wrong with me!?”. I haven’t been eating clean lately and haven’t been able to workout. But then I stop myself and think, God has provided for almost every one of these things. He provided the money to have my battery replaced and my window to have a temporary fix, He provided a way to see the doctor in both cases, I was able to speak with someone about school who knows the issue and seems to be on my side, I have everything I need and a roof over my head. And most of all, I have hope that tomorrow is a new day, full of His grace and mercy and new opportunities and chances. Change isn’t a one time deal, it’s all around me for me to seize and make my own. I have to remind myself of that, often it seems. I started school in August. I was so scared and nervous. I’ve never had good experience with school, I was always bullied or the kid who was always bigger than the others. So it was natural for me to have these feeling prior to starting. However, once I got there I have found I love it. I’m so excited to see what each day holds and to see the people I feel like I’m starting to make friends with. There still are those mean girls and guys, but so far it hasn’t been too bad and I’m at a point now where I can hold my own and I’m not afraid of my spirit anymore and will not omit pieces to make anyone feel more comfortable. I have this want and willpower to change the things I’m not happy with in my life and the one I’m working on is my body. While I’ll always be a big girl and never a size 2, I’m ok with that. I just want to be confident with myself and how I look. I believe in the body image movement and feeling positive towards yourself, so I’m embracing that and working towards feeling that way about myself. I’ve found on this journey that I actually like to sweat and enjoy the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement, I’ve seen the fruits of my labor and I like that. So while reminding myself that change isn’t a one time deal, I’ll do what I can, when I can. I’ll eat foods that are good for my body when I can and when I’m feeling good and up to it, I’ll exercise. If one day I eat pizza or a chicken sandwich from Wendy’s because I’m in a hurry. I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. It’s not a race and I’m not competing with anyone, I hope we all make it. Yeah, change seems to be my motto in this season of my life and it’s a season I’m embracing with open arms.

Word Vomit.

I think maybe I’m going crazy. The past year has been to hardest of my life. I feel like everything really comes back to losing my dad. I think it’s really hard to process and move forward after that great of a loss. This time last year I had no idea that my life would be changed so drastically in a matter of days. Let me just unload a little on you… We’re a week away from having a auction to sell (hopefully) all of the equipment and tools my dad used to make his livelihood, how he provided for his family by doing something that he loved, and more than not I have some type of memory attached to all these thing. So there’s that. Then we are in the process of looking for a new place to live, notice I didn’t say home because honestly I don’t think anything will ever be home. I’ve been trying and failing miserably to find a job because times are rough and things are tight and I want to take some of the burden off my mom. It seems no one wants to hire me. I’ve also been trying for the past 6 months to apply for one semester of college, it’s kinda big deal but because of dad’s death I’m having a difficult time getting my fin-aid to come in and it’s very frustrating because I need this to happen, I need something new and something that promises a little bit of new life in my very sad and depressing life. I’ve been sick the past week with a new type of virus that’s been going around and honestly I’ve just not felt good in a really long time. Lately I feel like ther is some all the time telling me I’m not good enough, that I need to lose weight and “here this the best way to do it”. Like, you’re suppose to be my friend for better or worse you’re suppose to love me how I am. I’ve been struggling with my faith and my demons for a long time now. I feel so disconnected with it all. I feel forgotten. I feel like I’m drowning. Why is this happening to me and my life? What good could possibly come from all this heartache and pain. Did my dad really have to die in order for me to see something that I’m clearly not seeing? This hasn’t been poetic, or pretty or maybe it won’t even make sense to you. But writing sometimes has a cathartic effect for me so I guess I was hoping it would this time….