What’s ahead and the real me.

0799fd3a5014478aba3d98c41bd4bba3I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this blog. I’m an avid reader so I read several blogs and I compare myself. I’m not as well written, or put together, or wordy, the list could go on forever and often I want to be as good as some of those other bloggers, but I’m not them. I’m me. I love the written and spoken word, I like to write about how I’m feeling or what I think about something or about God and how he works in my life or body image and if you like it then great, if you didn’t then I’m sure there is another blog more suited for your taste. In then end though, I hope I touch at least one person. It doesn’t have to be life changing or affirming, but simply to let someone know they aren’t alone in what they think or feel and maybe start a dialogue about that certain topic. I feel like my life is spent trying to make someone like me or to be someone I’m not. It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m trying to be skinner, prettier, smarter. Being ashamed of liking something or feeling something and it’s sad to say I have wasted 22 years of precious life doing this. I spend so much time trying to fit in and be what others, family, friends and even what complete strangers want or think I should be. I let them dictate my worth and my feelings and y’all, I’m done. I’m 22, almost 23 years old and I have no idea of who I am because I’ve spent a so much time being someone else! I have nothing to be ashamed of. I’m tired of letting people tell me how I should look or that I’m not good enough because I’m fat. Yes, I said that horrible word. One that our society is so afraid of. I have so much to offer and not one single thing has anything to do with how much body fat I carry. I want to lose weight to feel better about myself, not to subconsciously want people to like me better or so I fit the size 2 society I live in or so I gain the attention of a pretentious, snobby jackass who only sees a women for the size of her waist and how f@#$able she is instead of seeing the size of her heart and how much soul she has. Cause’ let’s be real here, that’s why I started losing weight, because I’m 22 and never been kissed. Sounds like a book title, doesn’t it? Maybe someday I’ll pen it. Who knows? But I do know that the world is my oyster and is mine for the taking. So I’ll continue to exercise and move to lose weight but now because I want to and because I get this insane high when I’m able to push myself a little further than before or when I’m able to do something that I couldn’t before. In the meantime, I’ll love and appreciate this body that gets me to the classes that I love or runs half a mile now or reads books that make me giddy, or that has this brain that is incredibly amazing or that worships a God who is able to do more than I can think or imagine or that has a heart that loves bigger than my entire body. I’ll continue to do things I love or that are beneficial for my physical, emotional and mental health. I won’t let someone tell me what I feel isn’t valid and I won’t worry if they don’t want to hangout with me, that’s their loss. I’ll continue to be outspoken, because I’ve spent too many years being the shy, quit girl in the corner trying not to take up too much space. I’ll continue to write on this blog because I like to write. I like to talk about what’s going on in my life or how I feel about something. It’s cathartic and helps me process the crazy going on inside my head and maybe, just maybe someone that felt singled out and alone will read something and can say. “Hey, I’m not the only one to think that.”

In the end, I don’t want to look back on this one precious life and say that I wasn’t the amazing human being God made me to be.