Honestly, don’t hate me for it.

My heart is so heavy. My soul feels crushed. Money is tight, but I’m making it. I don’t see my friends anymore, I’m angry and jealous that they have lives. I’m in pain all the time. I went to a new doctor recently and they asked how many hours of sleep I was getting, I lied. I told them 5 but really I sleep 12 out of 24 hours mostly in the daytime because my anxiety at night is so severe. I haven’t been to church but one time in months, I feel like God is too far, that my panic and worry and fear strangle out anything from him. I feel listless and jaded. We’ve been sharing a car for months. I have people telling me that I’m obviously lazy and am letting my mom do it all, I can’t make anyone hire me. My family has drama going on. I haven’t seen my 92 year old grandmother in weeks because I’m part hurt and ashamed to see her. I spent the better part of the day trying not to bleed to death, sitting in the shower while blood flowed like a faucet. Chronic sickness is invisible to the naked eye, yet I feel like I’m slowly dying and who knows, I might be. Grief is a heavy burden. My mom is still in a stage that I can’t understand because it’s entirely different from mine. I know there’s good in my life, but it’s eclipsed by this all consuming feeling of emptiness. Where do I find peace and a sense of ok-ness again? How do I get better when there are so many hurdles and not enough money? I’m not looking for pity. I just want someone, somewhere to understand. I sit here typing this, debating on whether to post it or not. Will it make someone mad or hurt feelings? That’s not my intention. My heart hurts from this heavy burden. Where do I find some peace? Honestly, this is my heart. Don’t hate me for it.

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