Word Vomit.

I think maybe I’m going crazy. The past year has been to hardest of my life. I feel like everything really comes back to losing my dad. I think it’s really hard to process and move forward after that great of a loss. This time last year I had no idea that my life would be changed so drastically in a matter of days. Let me just unload a little on you… We’re a week away from having a auction to sell (hopefully) all of the equipment and tools my dad used to make his livelihood, how he provided for his family by doing something that he loved, and more than not I have some type of memory attached to all these thing. So there’s that. Then we are in the process of looking for a new place to live, notice I didn’t say home because honestly I don’t think anything will ever be home. I’ve been trying and failing miserably to find a job because times are rough and things are tight and I want to take some of the burden off my mom. It seems no one wants to hire me. I’ve also been trying for the past 6 months to apply for one semester of college, it’s kinda big deal but because of dad’s death I’m having a difficult time getting my fin-aid to come in and it’s very frustrating because I need this to happen, I need something new and something that promises a little bit of new life in my very sad and depressing life. I’ve been sick the past week with a new type of virus that’s been going around and honestly I’ve just not felt good in a really long time. Lately I feel like ther is some all the time telling me I’m not good enough, that I need to lose weight and “here this the best way to do it”. Like, you’re suppose to be my friend for better or worse you’re suppose to love me how I am. I’ve been struggling with my faith and my demons for a long time now. I feel so disconnected with it all. I feel forgotten. I feel like I’m drowning. Why is this happening to me and my life? What good could possibly come from all this heartache and pain. Did my dad really have to die in order for me to see something that I’m clearly not seeing? This hasn’t been poetic, or pretty or maybe it won’t even make sense to you. But writing sometimes has a cathartic effect for me so I guess I was hoping it would this time….