2016 has not been what I expected it to be. It has not been my year. It’s been full of heartbreak, but much like life, it’s had its share of good times too. As a sit here and write this I have so much swirling through my head. My heart is hurt from the recent loss of what I thought were lifelong bonds and y’all, I’m really struggling with this one. It’s never easy to loose someone that you thought would be your friend forever but just like the year, all things have its season. I was diagnosed with cancer this year and that by far, was the most devastating thing I experienced. It’s changed my life in the course of a year. I think after hearing those three words, the very cells that make you are completely altered. My course of treatment has been decided, I will continue on the Megace and I will be having bariatric surgery sometime in the near future. I’m hopeful that this will save my fertility. My oncologist at Duke really thinks this is the way to go. It’s hard to really discern the right course because of my age and it being so rare in someone so young. I’m thankful for my cancer though, I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to change and to speak my mind if I didn’t have it. My relationship with my mom has grown by leaps and bounds this year, she is truly my best friend. This year has been an eye opener in that respect, I’ve really seen people’s true colors. My faith has grown deeper. I could not do this without God and would not be here without him. The outpouring of love and prayers from my community for me in this season has been the biggest blessing. We would not make it through without y’all. I don’t really have any insightful things to say to you about this past year. I think it just really sucked for all of us. But we know this to be true: God is on the throne and he is always good. Forgive me for being random and my prose not as flowing but my point of all of this is that we will persevere. That as long as we have breathe in our lungs, it is not too late to chart a different course. May 2017 be a year of great things.
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”
I’m up at odd hours now. I sit here in my chair and just admire the beauty of our Christmas tree. It’s old and missing some of its needles. It’s lights are missing in some places but it holds only good memories. All the ornaments are special, either they’re handmade or have a special meaning. Every year we would decorate the tree and then turn out all the lights and my dad would say “look at that. It’s beautiful.” It’s not perfect, but it’s perfect to us. I can’t help but think that’s how God sees us. People have such flawed versions of what beauty is and no matter how much we might wish to change that version, it won’t happen. If you look back at the centuries you’ll notice how versions of beauty have changed. It sounds cliché, but what we look like doesn’t contribute anything but outward adornment and decoration for this world. Your soul and your heart matter. People will claim it’s all in the name of health, but boil it down and it’s because you don’t look like everyone else. My point with this is, this Christmas season examine your heart. Your motives behind what you say. Be a little kinder, judge a little less. Love people like Jesus would; just because their people.
I’ve been in a melancholy state since your death but sometime it’s stronger than others. This past couple of days has been those stronger times. I went to get that old, iron bed out from the shed because I’ve been wanting to use it and I found myself asking about the measurements of it and I said to myself “oh, i’ll ask dad.” and I felt everything stand still and crash with the realization that you’re not here for me to ask. I started to get it out and had to move stuff around for me to get it because of all your “treasures” that were in front of it and I found myself remembering the time you brought it home, I saw it in the old house on the property and you asked around about it, this was all before the strife and I remember you bringing it home and you said “here it is.” I didn’t appreciate it then. You’re missing a huge new adventure in my life and I find myself wanting to come home and tell you about everything and cry and tell you how afraid I feel and all my worries so I can here your words of advice and I come home or start to call home and then realize your not there, so I tuck it away and try to force the tears away because I’ve cried more this past year than I probably have in my life. Today is your birthday. You loved your birthday. There isn’t a time when I think back that you weren’t giddy about this day. You always asked for the same birthday dinner of meatloaf and homemade mac and cheese. I’d always get you some cheesy card and you’d read it and thank me for and give me one of your big hugs until I became too cool to be hugged and now I miss those hugs more than I thought ever possible. I miss you dad, more than I ever knew I could.