When The Bell Tolls.

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I’ve sat here for an hour trying to find words. I really have none in this season, my spirit is crushed and my soul is weary. Living with depression and anxiety on the daily tends to leave you battle worn. I haven’t wrote in 5 months, it’s been pretty dark here, more people have went than came, bad situations and good have happened, Mom has stayed constant through the chaos. I’ve been living one day at a time because I didn’t know if I’d make it to the next day or not; I still don’t. Being suicidal is such a taboo subject and people don’t acknowledge it and when you talk about it people tend to run in the other direction, but it’s been my reality. I’ve been trying to find the words because I don’t have any lately. It gets lonely siting by yourself and your thoughts. Cancer and Mental illness are a recipe for loosing people. They either don’t know how to deal or they don’t want to. I don’t want to deal with it either but, it’s my life and reality. I’m not particularly cheery or optimistic. Good days are few and far between. My animals have became my closest companion. Phone calls and text dwindled. People move on and forget that you’re stuck in this place watching as the world passes you by. You see relationships bloom and pregnancy announcements abound, all while it’s like a knife twisting in your heart. You cry and wail and bleed out your pain in salt water. I’ve been sitting on this for a few months now because I’m angry and grieving and in disbelief. The cancer has spread and now requires surgery. Surgery is scheduled for October 5th… I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m not dealing well clearly. There is a large chance that I might not even be able to freeze any oocytes. Do you know how much the procedure and requirements cost? 10,000 dollars plus the cost to store them until use. Did you know none of it is covered by insurance? Did you know that there is no guaranteed that they’ll be viable once ready to be used? It’s a lot to take in. I’m not supposed to be dealing with this, I’m supposed to be in my dream job; living out my best life. Not sleeping 15 of the 24 hours a day because of pain and a depression so crippling the only way out is dying. All these post about suicide and it hurting others more than it hurts you is utter bullshit. Until you live in those shoes, you never know what it’s really like. God and I haven’t really been on speaking terms lately, It’s hard to pray when you feel forgotten. It’s hard to be in church when you see the judgement and and feel more alone in a crowd of people than you do when you’re alone. It’s hard to have faith when you live in fear daily. I’m not the me I want to be anymore, I don’t know the girl I’ve become the past 2 years. She’s bitter and hurt and a little jaded. Maybe now that I’ve given it a name, I can heal from this. But right now, no I’m not ok and honestly I don’t know when I will be. So when you ask what you can do, just be there for me. Maybe ask me to do something and don’t be offend if I say no. Don’t ask me how I’m doing, ask me how today is because it changes daily. Pray for me if that is your thing. For now, I’m an utter disaster.

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