6’2 is my favorite height.

If-You-Can-Be-Anything-Be-Kind-Coloring-Page     We live in a world where society and media portray one body type and one extravagant love story as the gospel. We play with Barbies that are tall, thin, and perfectly proportioned. We watch Disney movies where a pretty princess gets rescued by the handsome, chiseled prince, so naturally most of our impressionable minds carry this mindset throughout our whole lives, I certainly have. Growing up I was always the bigger girl. Genetically and biologically, it was predestined. I had family that I spent those formative years with that was obsessed with their bodies and the newest diet fad, at school I was bullied for being the tall fat kid. However, with my parents I was told I was beautiful and perfect and I could do anything I set my mind to. Unfortunately, the former situations won out. The year before my dad died I spent so much time trying to lose weight, trying various diets and pills that I spent my nights crying myself to sleep because I wasn’t getting skinny and y’all, I finally had a come to Jesus meeting where I got so damn sick and tired being at war with myself and my body. I found the Body Positive community on Tumblr and my life changed. Three years later, I’d say 70% of my days I look in the mirror and love what I see. I am so much more than the weight. I like the person I’m becoming because I fought to become her, but sometimes I get caught up with appearances and outside views. I’m human and I still live in a world where these things are praised and worshiped daily. The last year or so I’ve been obsessed with finding Mr. Right and what I want him to look like or traits I want him to have. I even went as far to join a dating sites, since no one I knew in everyday life was interested. One of these sites bases matches off your first impression of the other person looks and I find myself judging a guy over his hair color, of his jaw line, if he looks good with a beard, if he’s average size. My point isn’t that these sites are bad but that they buy into what society is selling. You can’t tell if he loves God more than himself, loves his momma, or respects his daddy, or is kind to people, or if he gets along with his siblings, or if his eyes light up when he sees a dog, or if he gets invested into the books he reads, or enjoys taking in the beauty of a sunset, or how he treats a waiter or store clerk, or how he will treat you, if he’s kind, sincere, passionate, imaginative and the myriad of other important traits. I’m not down playing the importance of physical attraction but merely saying that those traits and the ones you value are truly what make a person attractive. I recently saw two videos that led to this post, one being on the body image front from my friend Whitney Thore, who has changed my life immensely in the year that I’ve known her. In this video, Whit talks about loving yourself and that projecting and attracting the right guy and this music video by Marie Miller, which is the song of my heart and the whole meaning behind this post. I have these things I’m physically attracted to but yet say “God, you can send me the complete opposite of that ” or “Lord, I’m going to be patient, but could you send him before I turn 25?” I guess ultimately I’m not trusting Him to send me my gentle giant. I think it’s time to stop waiting for Mr. right and to say “I really don’t care what he looks like.”

I’ll leave you with this secret I’ve learned on my journey, I have never met an unattractive person who was kind.

Awakening Love

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about being single. I’m 23 and never had a boyfriend, in today’s society I’m as rare as a unicorn. At times when I think about this I feel like something is wrong with me. Friends assure me that I’m not repulsive and little old ladies tell me I’m beautiful all the time, but there is something to be said about a guy telling you that you’re pretty or pleasing to the eye. Guys see things differently than us ladies and I guess ultimately I’m seeking approval. However, I digress.

Back on topic.

I’ve been having the same conversation over and over lately about standards I have set for “that guy.” While it’s not a super complicated list, it hits the major qualities that I desire in that guy. I really have had the best possible example of what a man should be in my dad. He was the epitome of a what a man should be. He set the bare extremely high for that future man and I’m grateful for that. (Read this to see what I’m talking about.) But in a moment of weakness and if I’m being honest, loneliness I let those standards and examples go out the window and I forgot how worthy of respect I am.

I recently had a less than pleasant encounter with a dude on a dating website. While I was reading his messages to me It really hit me that he saw me as an object and not a person with thoughts and feelings and a heart. In the moment it seemed like complements but all I was really doing was devaluing myself. Proverbs 3:15 says

She is more precious than rubies: nothing you desire can compare to her.

I let all my self respect go for some praise from a boy. Of course this immediately brought on a flood of tears and text to my best friend asking her if something was wrong with me.

Am I the only person not content in my singleness?

I think its natural to want that one person to connect with on the purest level.

But my point in this is, am I harming myself by searching for this guy?

While reading Song of Songs after all this happened I read a verse that I know by heart but it never spoke to me the way it did then. Verse 3:5 reads,

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

It hit me that I’m trying to force something that isn’t meant to happen right now and by doing this I ultimately will not end up with the right man at this time in my life.

While that is a hard pill to swallow, I know that it’s in God’s plan for my life. But I can’t help but ask myself, why do I have these strong feelings right now?

God works in funny ways. Who knows? Maybe He’s trying to teach me something with this.