Reflection.

  grateful

Thanksgiving has come and gone, It was a lot more difficult than I anticipated. Thursday was just a blur of emotions, Mom and I decided to continue this year with getting a ham from a local fire department that has been a tradition as long as I can remember. We would get up early, drive out there, pick up our box, and have a picknic at a close by gas station. I can remember being little and being a brat about going because it was so early and cold. But I look back now and those are some of my favorite memories, just getting in the car in my jammies and wrapped it a handmade quilt then hearing my dads booming voice talk about whatever was on his mind, always laughing and joking about something, he was always such a morning person.

 Thursday we had a small lunch, well small for this crowd, and the whole time I just could let go that he wasn’t there talking and joking or cuddling with my littlest cousin. I finally snapped about something and My mom said in her sarcastic, syrupy sweet voice that “I need to change my attitude” and before my brain caught up to my mouth I said, “Well when you can have my dad here, i’ll change my attitude.”  Of course that started a whole slew of I know you miss him and he is in a far better place talks. So naturally I closed myself off and went to my room. Friday was a reprieve of having to show emotion and thankfulness but Saturday was on it’s trail with not one, but two dinners. The first was ok to get through until my cousin I’m closest to in age had to leave to go back to college. It’s always bittersweet to see him leave because I only get to see him a couple times a year. After we said our goodbyes and be carefuls, I was just ready to go home. Before I knew it and before I had time to have a mental reprieve it was time to go to Thanksgiving dinner number 3. This one was by far the most difficult because it was with my dad’s side of the family, well the ones we talk to. That’s another story for another day that I’m sure you’ll hear about sometime. Anyway. we come in and say hello to everyone and my uncle, my dads middle brother and best friend comes up and does something that so resembled something that my dad would do and it took everything I had in me not to break down, When you’re with that big of a crowd you don’t have time to dwell on anything but the baby you’re holding, or the niece that wants your attention, or the cousin that wants a picture. But still I was ready to go, because it wasn’t the same. he was suppose to be here, he was suppose to get better and pull through, like always. He was the glue that held everything together and now he’s not here and everything has changed.

I came home and started to go to sleep and tears just started to roll out. I could hear his laugh, or something he would joke about. I sent up a silent prayer that he was happy and better in heaven and told him I miss him.

I usually put up some kind of post saying how thankful I am, but this year I didn’t. In honour of my dad who was always thankful and grateful for God’s bountiful blessings in his life, I write this now.

I’m thankful for my parents who raised me to be the best person I could be, for my mom who has been there since the beginning, for my dad even though you are no longer here with me, you’re still teaching me and guiding me like always, for my family no matter how much you drive me crazy I wouldn’t be me without you, for my best friend who has been there longer than anyone else ever has, for my nieces who teach me child like faith and unconditional love, for my online community who is helping me love myself, for my YA bible study group who is always challenging me and helping me in my walk, for the memories that my dad has left me with that honestly if I didn’t have them I don’t know how i’d make it, for that special guy who is out there, somewhere, for my God who gives me grace and strength to get through this crazy, beautiful life.